In my last post, I talked all about how we should allow pastels into our wardrobes and our hearts during the winter. That’s one side of me that is very obvious – my frilly, girly, “I love all things fashion” side. I have another side, as most all of us do, and that side of me prefers to be dark and sultry, listening to my punk rock music, writing melancholy poetry, and wearing dark colors and long layers that place me more in the “special agent” category than anything else. Sure, I’m as girly as they come, but there are two sides to every person, and you can’t always judge a book by the cover.
I have quite a past. I’ve mentioned my struggles with eating disorders, my health challenges, and even my journey to overcoming self-hate. In passing, I’ve spoken about how anxiety and depression have riddled my mind for years, but I haven’t opened up fully about the topic. Truth be told, it’s frightening. I have appearances to keep, that I have my life totally in control (even though I don’t) and that I’m the happiest person every day (which I’m not). Each morning I wake up I must prepare for the battle I will face during the day. I have so many reasons to be joyful. The list is so long, it would take a full year of blog posts to even begin covering it all. My mind likes to tell me it’s all a lie. I spend every waking second toe-to-toe with an invisible foe that constantly attempts to persuade me that the dark side is better. I can succumb to my hurt and self-loathing and spend the rest of my life numb with misery.
That’s just a glimpse as to what depression and anxiety look like, and that’s only for me. I know many other people who fight these illnesses every day, and I know some people who’s foe has won. Mine nearly did a few years back, but after that, I came back fighting harder than ever. Sure, sometimes I’d rather tune the bright bubblegum pink part of me out and sulk in my somber grays, but sometimes I feel like wearing the black on my sleeves and showing the world that while it may be there, I’m fighting it like a total bad@$$. I’ll be battling this enemy til the day I die, but the point is that I’m still battling, and someday, I’m going to win.
Maybe you’re struggling with these nasty, cloudy thoughts. Maybe you don’t even know what they are yet, but you feel them hovering above you, ready to pounce at any unsuspecting moment. Find something to hold on to, something that won’t let you get swept away. I’ve found that reading, listening to music, and writing help me the most. I’ll find passages in the Bible about overcoming obstacles, and realize all over again how faithful God is in my life, and how He’s fighting with me and for me every moment of the day. I’ll read stories to escape, stories not pertaining to what I’m struggling with, but rather, fantastical novels that whisk me away to an unreal time and place where I’m unbothered by my inner demons. I’ll listen to upbeat music, or calming jazz to help bring a smile to my face and a breath of fresh air to my lungs. Of course, I’ll write. Like I’m writing right now, which helps me to release any pent up tension from this daily war. It helps to talk about it, to get it out in the open, and to let someone know they’re not alone.
From the very beginning, when I started this blog, I wanted it to be a safe place. A place for those who are struggling to realize that someone else is in the same boat, but it is possible to get to the other side. I love fashion and style, and I will always write about the best deals and the newest beauty products, but I also never want to just be another face in the fashion industry. I want to be a friend, a real person, so that when you email me or meet me in person, I’m the same as I am on this blog. That is the most important part of She Saw Style. So, if you are hurting, please talk to me, and know that you’ll have an earnest ear and a bear hug waiting for you on the other side, encouraging you to stay strong and keep fighting.