I’m a lot more than just my clothes.
It’s the middle of a Thursday afternoon. There’s been thunderstorms raging for the past hour. I hate thunderstorms. They give me anxiety. I wish I could be one of those moody, romantic, artist types who loves watching the rain fall because it means a “fresh, clean start” blah blah blah – but that’s not me. I’m constantly worrying that the tree outside my office window is going to fall on our house, that our power will go out, or that someone I know is going to be injured while driving through the torrential downpour. Needless to say, summer storms freak me out. I’ve been attempting to get my work done all day, but my mind is elsewhere.
I’m feeling overwhelmed by life lately.
I don’t try to make my social media or blog appear perfect. I’ve never wanted to put on any sort of front. Somehow, it just happens no matter how hard I try when it comes to these platforms. It seems like everything is going great and my life is just one exciting thing after another. Sometimes I fail to realize that you all don’t always know what’s going on behind-the-scenes. So rather than rambling on about how you need to buy my outfit, I’m going to just be real with you all today and give you a sneak peek of how things have been lately. Not to complain, not to boast, not to make any sort of statement aside from the fact that I’m a real human being with real life challenges and that needs to be communicated!
Outfit Details // similar blazer | top | pants | necklace | similar shoes
Photos by Brandon of Erudite Productions Inc.
My wedding is just a little over three months away. Gosh, I couldn’t be more excited, but I’m also feeling that stress creeping up. Since our budget was so small for this entire ordeal, I’ve been relying on DIYs, wholesale orders, and brand collaborations to make our dream a reality. I’ve asked for help from so many family members and friends, but that doesn’t always make stress magically disappear. I still haven’t gotten our florals settled, Brandon has yet to purchase a suit, and there are just some aspects I’m completely clueless about right now. For goodness’ sake, we don’t even have a place to live nailed down yet! Each day is a matter of waking up, taking a deep breath, and hoping to conquer my never-ending to-do list so I can get to the part I’m really looking forward to: “I DO.”
I’ve never felt so conflicted over my career. On the one hand, I’m juggling more brand partnerships and thrilling opportunities than I have in the entire three years I’ve been blogging. On the other hand, my engagement on Instagram is tanking, and my blog views are struggling to climb. I’ve been putting so much focus into learning SEO, keywords, Pinterest strategies, and generally bettering my business – but I do all of this alone, and it takes a lot out of me. I’ve even considered hiring an intern to keep my head above water. Don’t get me wrong, this is the most fulfilling job I’ve ever had in my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. However, navigating the ever-changing algorithms and attempting two or three self-timer photoshoots on a daily basis to keep up with deadlines is exhausting – mentally and physically.
After a two week-long gastroparesis flare-up during the middle of July, I finally started to get back into the swing of things, and wound up with the flu. Another week lost in bed – and a lingering cough that makes me feel like my lungs are actually going to snap in half. Caffeine doesn’t seem to cut it, and I’m collapsing in bed by 9pm each night. Sometimes I feel like my anxiety is going to end me. I guess that’s actually the anxiety, itself, talking – but it sure is miserable. Panic attacks are happening in the middle of my day over phone calls about hotel blocks, and my mind is constantly whirring with all of the things I should be getting done.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t write posts like this. I never want to seem like I’m just whining, because I try my hardest to keep this space as positive as possible! But I also don’t want to appear fake. Just because there are happy things going on around me, it doesn’t always mean that I’m going to be happy. As someone who’s dealt with depression and anxiety for years, I’ve come to realize this as the norm for myself. I can sit here and repeat, “my life is great!” over and over again, but it won’t necessarily change the way I feel. I know I’m not the only one who experiences this, though – which is why I write these posts. There’s an innate desire to communicate that you’re not alone, while simultaneously admitting to myself that I’m not alone either.
We can do this.
I’m saying it for myself: my wedding is going to be incredible (I’m finally marrying my best friend)! I’m going to continue kicking butt in my business. These health issues won’t hold me back forever. The promotion is going to come at the perfect time.
We can do this.
I’m saying it for you – whoever you are: you’re going to have a wonderful first date with that person you just met. Moving into an apartment by yourself won’t be that scary. Whatever it is that you’re experiencing, know that you’ll make it through!